originally written for Grown Up Glamour By Anneliese Lawton
I didn't need these until I had babies.
Well...that's not exactly true.
I needed these awhile ago.
But I wasn't willing to accept I needed them until I had babies.
You see, motherhood was the thing that pushed me over the edge.
It was also the thing that saved me.
For most of my life I've struggled with a little something called anxiety. I've also had my fair share of depressive episodes.
And you probably wouldn't know that by looking at me.
I'm seemingly put together.
I have a dapper husband, darling children, and a fairly beautiful life.
But I've spent most of my life afraid, ashamed, emotionally insecure, and consumed by my thoughts.
At odds with reality, really.
Many times I have sought refuge in the back of my unlit closet.
Many times I've struggled to find the energy, purpose, and motivation to leave my bed.
Many times I've felt lost in this life as I aimlessly navigate my place.
I've never felt like I fit in.
I've never felt beautiful.
I've never felt smart, or talented, or worthy of friendships.
I've never felt like I'm living my true and best life.
When my marriage was blessed with my babies, I anticipated I'd feel my life to be officially complete.
But instead, I found more reasons to feel afraid, ashamed, emotionally insecure, and consumed with my thoughts.
It seeped through me like a poison.
And I knew in my heart something wasn't right.
In the past, I could navigate these feelings of uneasiness. Pull myself out of a funk. Push myself through each day.
But my darling babies, at no fault of their own, they made my well dry.
And I couldn't navigate the feelings.
I couldn't pull myself out of the funk.
I couldn't push myself through the day.
My husband displayed love, patience, and understanding as I drifted further away from the beautiful, happy, silly girl he wed that October day.
But eventually, and after many attempts, he encouraged me to face my demons.
I will admit, I fought back. I couldn't accept that this illness, that my demons, that they'd eventually consume me.
But they did.
You see, motherhood did indeed push me to break.
My illness couldn't sustain the overhaul on my mind, body, heart, and spirit.
I don't have the tools to cope day-to-day. Especially as a mother navigating depression.
But even though post-partum depression is what broke me, it was also the thing that saved me.
Because if it wasn't for them, I'd still be spending those hard days in the back of my closet.
I'd still be seeking refuge under my sheets.
If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have sought help and I wouldn't have known what I've been doing all these years was simply trying to survive.
Today, I need these.
Back then, there were times I probably needed these too.
Do I hope that one day I can cope and thrive without this pill? When I'm ready, I'll certainly try.
But today, I need these.
Follow more of Annie at https://annelieselawton.com